Order And Chaos

I am somewhat of an idyllic dreamer, for my sins. I spend a vast majority of my time floating between this world and the next, allowing my mind to wander aimlessly like a candy wrapper caught in the breeze, as I gloriously contemplate the possibilities that lay around each and every corner.

At times I’ve attempted to conceptualise these mind-wanderings with words on the page, and a lot of what I write on here carries with it a common underlying theme; one of following your intuition and realising your passion. I’ve been documenting my thoughts and reflections for over two years now, and although I’ve enjoyed it immensely, the result is that I still feel as though I am no closer to knowing where it is I’m headed and what it is I’m supposed to be doing.

Wonderful. 

On the contrary, the balance between order and chaos has been tipped grossly in the favour of chaos since the turn of the new year. I’ve somehow gone from a state of utter contentment and love in the present moment, to a state of not knowing my arse from my elbow, to put it bluntly. This has been largely down to me verbalising these seemingly awe-inspiring notions, conceived as a result of allowing myself to drift from reality and lose sight of what it is that is truly important.

A silver lining presented itself recently when in my muddled state I tuned in to my brother’s podcast, Setter Radio, and experienced an incredible shift in perspective as a result. This particular episode featured Calvin Doyle, a filmmaker and videographer from Portarlington; with his unique blend of customary Irish humour and fluid storytelling, coupled with a straight-talking approach devoid of bullshit, Calvin completely changed how I viewed things in terms of this idea of pursuing our passion. (This perspective shift was later reinforced when I watched an online lecture delivered by Dr. Jordan Peterson.)

The primary take away, was that as grandiose and liberating a life of creativity may seem, it’s just not always plausible to be able to pack in the day job and pursue it. Yes, the thought of moving to a small town hugging the Mediterranean in order to write books for a living certainly does appeal to the senses. But.. 

Writing is a form of escape in a sense. It’s a wonderful and rewarding art form of which I can completely immerse myself in; losing myself to the point of starvation at times, only to return hours later feeling rejuvenated, physically, mentally and spiritually. I love it, and I enjoy every single minute spent with pen in hand. That being said it’s a hobby at the end of it all, and who’s to say that if I were to pursue writing as a career, I would feel the same way about it. That’s a question to which I don’t have the answer.

I shouldn’t forget that I’m incredibly fortunate to be able to make a living out of something that I actually enjoy, through teaching. I’m constantly learning and developing inside and outside the classroom, revealing aspects of my personality that I was previously unaware of. I learn from my students every day, and I get to meet interesting people from all walks of life. Perhaps most importantly from a perspective of health and wellbeing, is that it feels as though I’m doing something I’m actually cut out for.

Fuck me, right?

The point is, why throw all that away? Why mess with a good thing?

This life is as mysterious as it is unforgiving, and just when you think you have it all figured out, the rug gets pulled from under your feet, and you find yourself in a state of utter chaos. Just by entertaining the lure of the imagination, without showing appreciation for the present moment, you can stand to lose so much. I sometimes ask myself if these dreams are even my own, and if these conceptions are something that I truly want for myself, but then how can I even begin to answer these questions if I don’t fully know who I am in the first place. That’s for another day, perhaps.

As it was, I was unable to remain mindful of all that I had, and failed to shower gratitude on the important people in my life. As a consequence, I’ve ended up on the losing side again. We live and learn, I suppose; this journey of self-discovery is constant. Right now my focus returns to the present, and of trying to get a hold of that candy wrapper, before it floats aimlessly away and is lost forever.