It’s coming up on 3 years since I decided to take decisive action towards sorting my life out; things weren’t quite going as well as I’d hoped at the time, far from it actually, and I had nobody to blame for my predicament but myself.
You might say I had somewhat of an epiphany- a sobering realisation that the manifestation of chaos of which was engulfing my spirit, was in fact brought about by my own hand. I had completely lost the run of myself; I had no direction, no meaning, no purpose. Perhaps more excruciating though, was the fact that I had lost all sense of identity. I didn’t know who I was, or who I wanted to be.
Just a young, dumb, selfish expat happily devoid of responsibility.
In reality, although I didn’t understand it quite so clearly at the time, I was living out my own version of hell. Now don’t get me wrong, things could have been a lot worse, and they certainly could have gotten a lot worse had I continued along that destructive path, but I had no intention of drifting aimlessly along the swamp-like surface any longer, only to get pulled under, deeper into the murky depths of my own miserable existence.
I knew that there were some aspects of my life that I could instantly improve upon and make better; just as I had created a nice little chaotic life for myself, so too could I get my shit together, for want of a better expression. And so began this project of mine, this journey towards inner growth. Almost 3 years have passed since it’s inception and so it seems fitting to dip my feather quill once more and reflect, and explore what, if indeed anything, I have gained from the experience.
It’s quite difficult to actually quantify in words, the degree to which I have benefited from it all, but bear with me as I’ll do my damnedest to do just that. I started this project for a couple of reasons, but if I’m honest dear reader, it was at its core a self-serving and selfish venture, at the beginning at least. Apologies. I had on one hand rediscovered a passion for writing, through the miraculous unearthing of an old notebook which once belonged to my 8-year-old self, and yearned to create some form of accountability that would encourage the consistent arrival to the white blank page. On the other hand, I recognised a deep, burning desire within for self-improvement, and it simply was a means to document the journey, of which perhaps I would read back over at a later date.
I didn’t know what to expect at the time, and I certainly don’t know what it all means right now. I don’t know if it was time well spent. Well, I’m sure it was.
In terms of the journey within, it is ongoing. Does it ever really stop? I’m happy that I set sail toward the distant shores of my soul not knowing what magic I’d encounter, and I’d encourage anyone to do just that. The sooner the better, believe me. As for the nature of my existence, Jesus. Well I can’t say that my life has been without chaos over the past 3 years or so, but I certainly feel as though I’m better equipped to survive the storm if and when it does come bearing down. I’m far from perfect, I have made innumerable errors in judgement, and being but a man I’ll likely continue to do so. It’s a work in progress, and I can only trust that I can learn from my past failings, and continue to reflect and implement the valuable lessons learned in order to keep moving forward.
Where does that leave us. Alas, the thought has been swimming around my head- and my heart- of late, that perhaps it’s time to bring down the curtain on this whole project. It will be with a heavy heart, but as I reflect upon my initial motivations, I feel it has served its purpose.
I have happily rediscovered a passion for writing and will continue to nourish the craft beyond the walls of this particular outlet. There’s a manuscript in my drawer of which I have not set eyes upon in months, and truth be told I’m terrified of taking it out and dusting it off. As well as that, I have been researching and scribbling notes for another novel, which I’m incredibly excited to sink my teeth into (and yes, equally petrified). But it’s like that old adage goes, what we fear most is precisely what we most need to do.
I won’t be putting down the pen. Far from it.
It is also worth noting that my exploits in the classroom require much of my time and energy; improving my craft as an educator is a wonderful adventure in itself, and an incredibly rewarding pursuit. It also puts the bread on the table, crucially. A man has got to eat. But seriously, I’m very thankful that I decided to act on my burning curiosity all those years ago, and venture down this path. It deserves passionate focus and attention, and I will continue to give it just that.
Yes, I think that will do it for today. Night has descended, and the caffeine is wearing off. February 8th, 2018 will mark 3 glorious, nourishing years of work; it will be in or around that date when I will publish the final article upon this here e-diary of mine. Sniff, sniff.
I hope you’ve enjoyed the journey as much as I have.