Inner Conflict

Ever found yourself wondering, How the fuck did I get into this mess? I have been asking this of myself lately, and it has caused me to reflect on similar inner-dialogues where I’ve posed the same question. I’ve come to the conclusion, that the How is pretty much the same across the board, and it’s most likely the same for you if you’ve ever found yourself in the midst of a shit-storm, oblivious as to how on earth you got there.

The reason is simple: you said yes when you should have said no. You went against your better judgement. You were dishonest and deceitful and selfish. You tasted the forbidden fruit.

It’s been a crazy few months, that’s for sure. The climax of which came last week when faced with a number of moral dilemmas and tough decisions. Crossroads? More like a spaghetti-fucking-junction.

The eye of the shit-storm.

I had taken to meditation again, but I literally couldn’t empty my mind (something that had always come so naturally for a space-cadet such as myself). It had gotten to the stage where I was feeling physically ill; my stomach was in knots constantly and my mind was running laps.

I began sleeping in later than usual, and shutting out the world in an attempt to hide from the reality of my predicament. The last thing I wanted to do was confront the situation and take action, preferring instead to recline peacefully into the darkness. Alas, it was a fruitless expedition, as my conscience wouldn’t go quietly.

It wasn’t until I took the first steps towards taking decisive action, when the sick feeling in my stomach began to subside and I was able to think somewhat clearly again. It’s funny how after making a commitment towards a given direction, you find that things slowly start to fall into place and work themselves out.

As for making the right decision, well sometimes there’s just no way of knowing whether it is right or wrong. But perhaps the fact that you are considering your options in the first place, is reason enough to explore these possibilities for change. The answers sometimes lay in the indecisiveness.

If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.

The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.

– Deepak Chopra

I have no clue if these decisions are right for me or not; I guess as always, time will tell. There are moments where you just have to throw caution to the wind and explore your own curiosity, because the alternative is remaining in a state of mind-numbing comfort.

And yes, you might say that there are some conflicting ideas within. Inner (and outer) voices telling me that soon I will be departing my 20’s, and that I’m not getting any younger; that I should start looking to the future. Truth be told, I do sometimes feel anxious that I’m no closer to feeling “settled” in life than I was when I was entering my 20’s.

But then I think fuck it, there’s no rule book.

I don’t know what the future will hold, but sometimes I can’t help but stress about it. That’s something I need to work on, certainly. That being said, I hope that whatever happens I can continue to have the courage and inner-strength to act in accordance with the universe, so that if and when opportunity comes knocking, I will take it into consideration regardless of external influences, and above all else, be true to myself.